fluffy post

this post really doesn't have much meaning...so if you are looking for something inspiring and thought-provoking, you're better off going here or even here.
i just knew i needed to write something before i went the whole day with yoga being the only productive thing i did. (yes, blogging is productive in my opinion.)
i'm sitting here watching my beautiful friend madeline pack up her room as she prepares to move to austin this weekend for her new internship. so sad. the past two weeks of being temporary roommates have been such a fun blessing. lots of laughs and memorable girl time. God is doing amazing things in her life as she leaves college and enters "the real world". that stage of life seems so far away from me. i picture myself in college forever. the reality is that i have only have 2 years left and if they go by as fast as the last 2, i better start shopping for big girl clothes. scary.

on a different note, the last day of yoga is tomorrow and i'm actually getting kind of depresssed about it. i have learned to really enjoy it and i'm tempted to go be one of those people and buy a dvd so i can do it at home during the semester. plus, i feel like with my new goal to work out 5 days a week, yoga can be a more relaxing and easier workout on chosen days. which, on that topic, i refuse to call it a new years resolution because that always sets me up to fail. instead it is a personal challenge i'm setting for myself...to stop being lazy, stop making excuses, and learn to love being active and healthy. i know i am capable of it because i've been at that place before. it's funny though, i've noticed how when one part of my life is disorganzied, everything becomes chaotic and i go into hibernation mode. the lack of activity, eating horribly, sit-and-stare-at-my-computer-all-day-mode. this has gotta stop. i've been down this road before and it did not get me anywhere. i am gluten-free (foreign phrase? click here), so i'm already limited to what i can eat. problem is, i have trouble following the diet since i don't have horrible symptoms. however, i always forget how great i can feel until i go awhile having self-control. i've come a long way, thanks to Him, but i still have multiple times where i do not treat my body as a temple (thank you, 1 Cor. 6:19 for that conviction...). SO, as my 2011 challenge that is my goal. Not to lose #lbs, cut out sugar, run 7 days a week....but to search and pray about what it looks like to honor God with my body and let that be my guide, not society or fitness magazine.
welp...
so much for a fluffy post. my ramblings always seem to win over my blog intentions.
i've officially put off studying pretty much all day, i think it's time to glance at the review considering the test is tomorrow morning. highlight of the day: babysitting the apel kids...check out the cutest family ever. Praise God for the innocence and carefree spirit of children...so encouraging.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."- Ezekiel 36:26 

prone to wander

yoga update: still loving it. did inverted poses today (shoulder stand and head stands) it feels cool to do, but when i saw other people doing it, it just looked freaky...i don't think our bodies are supposed to bend that way.
now on deeper level..

some of my most beautiful times spent with Jesus are on my roadtrips home. it's either 3 hours of me and my fleshly thoughts (otherwise known as satans playground) or 3 hours of uplifting, entertaining podcasts and music. Past experiences have shown me that the latter is such a better use of my time, even if i get weird looks from other drivers as they see me jamming to my "jesus loves me" playlist.
but yesterday, as i was leaving the dallas winter wonderland, the hymn "Come Thou Fount" (David Crowder version...so great.) came on. i've sung this song so many times without fully grasping the lyrics. i am focused on the first verse but then i find myself just mumbling the words i know.

alright...
i'm singing to my Savior...my Daddy, my Love. sure, there are times where i have trouble focusing during worship time in church (my ADD brain takes over). but that PLUS not grasping the full meaning of the song? that's so rude! i would not want someone who loves me to sing me a song without paying attention to the lyrics. just like i would not, in order to show my appreciation and love, go to my parents and belt out Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies" (yes mom, that example's for you). it has no meaning. so to be in my car yesterday and realize that i had no clue what i just sang, was sobering and embarrassing. Is God really up there smiling at and delighting in my half-hearted attempt to worship Him?
Matthew 15:8
"These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me."
My true desire is to lay my heart down at the feet of my Savior during worship...not keep it from Him.
Which brings me to the verse in "Come Thou Fount" that i very clearly understood and related to:
"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above."
It is so frustrating how prone i am to leave the God i love. how humbling to know He is always there awaiting my return...i'll never understand.
i'm feeling like this entry was a little scattered but i'm distracted by the hype of a runaway stabber a couple blocks away! first this morning there was a robbery at the mcdonalds by campus....then later tonight a guy stabbed someone at that same location. thank goodness for friends who like to have sleepovers.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved,  clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12

book therapy

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."- C.S Lewis
Cheesy? who cares...this quote is a beautiful image that suffering brings us to Him more than anything else, so that His glory may be revealed.
the past couple months, my desire for reading has increased tremendously. not too long ago if i asked someone what they like to do in their free time and the response was "read", i'm sure i would smile forcefully and nod but inside i was so confused, yet also jealous. along with yoga (see post below), people who read are classy. i always wanted for my perfect day to consist of tea, books, and a comfy couch, but usually it was spent on facebook, in malls, etc. NOW i can say that reading would be a huge component of my perfect day. God has so graciously brought books like Knowing God, Counterfeit Gods, and Crazy Love (along with the Book of all books) to fill my mind with truth, encourage continual growth in my walk with Christ, and leave me hungry for more of Him and more literary pleasures.
Last night I was reading Counterfeit Gods, an amazing book on the evil of idolatry, when I got a kiss from God (a phrase my mom uses for when we experience something we feel was specifically for us). Tim Keller said that "sometimes God seems to be killing us when he's actually saving us." This seems dramatic, but who can honestly say they have never felt the despair of losing something or having an event change their life completely? and who, in that moment, can look up to Heaven and say "Thank you, God. Thank you for saving me, even if right now I don't necessarily see what from."
not me.
but it's true isn't it? that in that time, we are not equipped to see the big picture. we argue and reason with God that we know what is best for us. Proverbs says that "A man's heart plans his way; but the Lord directs his steps." and does He not promise to know the plans He has for us, to give us a hope and a future (jeremiah 29:11)? So why then, do I continue to beg God to give me my way? It's so challenging to just sit back in relief and remember that while things aren't as I expected, He is redirecting my steps towards His beautiful plan for my life.
Even as I write this, I think back to other seasons of my life where I was so confused and upset that God's ways were not mine, and now I'm overwhelmed with thanks. Now I see what I was blinded by then. Max Lucado put it perfectly when he said "God promises a lamp unto our feet, not a crystal ball into the future." 
God doesn't want me to question Him...I think it's safe to say the all-powerful, all-knowing, Creator of the Universe who chose me and loves me has my life under control. 
Thank you, Abba. Thank you for times where you bring me to my knees in submission to your will, for it is far better than any plan of mine.

discombobulated

it's been two days since i've been back in aggieland. two things i realized in just this amount of time:
1. yoga breathing is not easy- okay. 2nd day of yoga and it's actually going really well...easy i'd even say. i'm pretty flexible, so the poses we have done so far haven't felt too awkward (although i definitely don't look like the instructor). and i feel classy. i always thought people who did yoga were classy, and now i'm one of them :] BUT, the breathing....i'm horrible. i can't do it correctly. while i have mastered breathing in and out of my nose, the whole "relax and extend your stomach and then contract on exhale" thing is impossible for me. if i focus so much on the breathing, i can't do the pose and if i focus on the poses, i don't breath properly. and from what i know about yoga, breathing is like the most important thing. hopefully this will get better with time because it is relaxing so i can only imagine the benefits when i can do it correctly!

 and

2. there is no place like home- i am so grateful for my time at home. my parents were a continual comfort and encouragement to me. i struggled with loneliness a lot this last trip home and although i did not see it then, i believe that was God's way of providing me with sweet, intimate time with Him. i learned more about Him and what He wants for my life in this moment. it's been two days and already my Jesus time has decreased, my mind is filled less and less of Him, and it's unsettling how little amount of time it takes for Satan to pop up more and more. I am fearful because i know what happens when i'm not filling the bulk of my day in the Word or with uplifting books and podcasts(if you haven't read Knowing God by J I Packer....go buy it NOW....incredible). I need Christ. All day. I have a hunger for Him that i have never experienced. it frustrates me when i think about how in two weeks i won't have hours of free time. i want to just spend the whole day with Jesus, undistracted by anything else. I know that is not realistic, but spending time with Him every day is. Just how a couple days of not being home unsettles me and makes me long for it again, so does my soul after a couple days without pursuit of Christ. The benefit of the latter is that I never have leave. in my sinfulness and stupidity, i just choose to.
it's funny how God chooses to use earthly things to open our eyes to our need for Him and to how much greater He can give us.

Matthew 7:11
"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

I ask for neverending growth and hunger for my Savior. I ask for continual molding and shaping of my life to reflect His. I ask for comfort and security when my frequent feelings of loneliness and longing come.

Revelation 3:20
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

four letter word

wait.
i have a very frustrating relationship with that word....love/hate if you will. i cringe when i hear it because like most americans, i have an issue with instant gratification. i want what i want when i want it. on my time. i even find myself fixing cereal to avoid waiting the 2 minutes for my delicious oatmeal to cook in the microwave. it's ridiculous.
recently that four letter word was an enemy of mine and i could not accept hearing it. i wanted answers immediately, i wanted to know my future. why? so i could stop worrying and stop planning my life around where i want to be in 2, 5, 20 years. i wanted God to clearly speak to me that yes i will get married, yes i will find a job i love, yes i will have kids, yes my life will be perfect (unrealistic, i know); i didn't want to have to wait/worry if my desires will be met.
faithless. 
God, in His perfect love, is screaming to me that i need to STOP PLANNING. stop wishing...and wait.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." psalm 37:4
"For I know the plans I have you...plans to give you a hope and a future." jer. 29:11
"Be still and know that I am God." psalm 46:10


sometimes i'm amazed how hard it is for me to let go of my hopes and my fears. and to just be still. and trust the One who loves me most. who DELIGHTS in me.
the times where waiting is near torture are also the times where my relationship with Him strengthens. i am forced to trust Him and search for His comfort and deliverance. He brings us into these circumstances to reveal His glory, not just when the waiting is over, but during the process. i need constant reminder that the way i respond to waiting should reflect my trust in Christ. and then, whatever the outcome...i rejoice.
For He is God, and He is always good.

tattooed reminder

for those whose eyes don't normally wander to the wrists of the person they are talking to, this may be a surprise to you....but i have a tattoo on my wrist. it's a cross with "psalms 25:5" written under it.

"Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior; all day long my hope is in You."

 this has been such a blessing to me to have this permanently on my body....even though I am fully aware it won't look the same in 30 years.
tonight my heart is heavy. i have had to let something go (for the millionth time) that i begged God to let me keep. i don't think this thing was harmful to me and i have been so lost as to how to deal with the confusion that surrounded this situation; but as I looked down at my tattooed reminder, God was begging me to put my hope in Him during this time. to relinquish any and all plans i had for my life and to trust Him with every aspect of my life. the past few months have been a time of numbing pain and extreme growth. i wouldn't trade it for anything. God has taught me so much, one being how to find joy in my sufferings. How blessed i am to experience a small glimpse of Christ's suffering he went through...for me. my trials have nothing to do with me. it is all for HIS glory. the good times and the hard times should all point to Him. and because He loves me so much, he refines me through the flame. (1 Peter 1:7) not only does He promise to deliver me out of my suffering, but make me stronger because of it! God is good. when i'm tired? Yes. when i'm joyful? Yes. He is ALWAYS good. but better yet, He is constant. His presence, His love, His mercy. if i can learn to put my hope in Him ALONE, i have nothing but good to gain. How unworthy i am, but oh how grateful...
peace and blessings,
kate

SUPRISE!

gotcha :]  i've had this blog for awhie and none of you knew it! i even forgot about it myself...however, recently i have been a blog reading fiend and it has inspired me to try it again. i love writing...especially about myself. i mean let's be honest, who doesn't like talking about themselves? but more than that, the blogs i read bless me...each in different ways. women i have never met provide me with hope, encouragment, perspective, and joy. in some insignifcant way i guess i hope to give back a little what has been given to me. if anything, i'll be honest. and through that, if God chooses to use my blog to encourage others (rather than just for my personal venting), glory to Him.