surprise revelation

Oh, how I wish it was Christmas break again. Where my abundance of free time allowed for many days of just me and Jesus. No classes, no papers, no deadlines. I long to have that time again. Time that allows me to search and study His word to the point where I refuse to stop until He speaks to me. And boy, did He speak. In massive ways. Ways that encouraged me to start this blog because I just couldn't keep it all in. He was revealing so much in such a little amount of time that I felt like I would burst if I couldn't share. As I predicted here, my fear has become a reality-I don't have the time to shut myself away from the world and just hang out with Jesus for hours. I get frustrated and disheartened by how little I feel like I am growing now compared to over the break.
I don't feel like I have anything worthy of sharing. There is definitely a list of things that I know God is trying to teach me during this season of my life but my ears and eyes are struggling to catch and hold onto what He is trying to reveal to me...much less act on it. I feel like my days are becoming more about me and less about Him.
And I'm scared. It shouldn't be this way...how do people have lives and actively and devoutly grow in their relationship with Christ?
Why do I have the all or nothing mindset when it comes to quiet times? I want to have this huge chunk of time available for it because I know how effective that was over the break. And now that school has started again and the busyness has picked back up, I am constantly burdened by the battle between my hunger for Him and daily responsibilities. I panic when I think about how much less I'm noticing things He is teaching me. I feel like a disappointment. Poor time manager. Lukewarm. It's a spiral downward when I let these thoughts run wild. I'm viewing my relationship with Christ as frantically trying to keep my head above water instead of letting His grace drown me.
He gave me a very special gift over winter break. One that showed me the importance of spending time with Him. Even though I so desire undistracted time with Him again, He has me right where He wants me. And even as I write that, I am reminded (yet again) that He is working in me.
I may not recognize it in the hurriedness of the day, but in the stillness of a night and reflection of the heart, He's moving in me...changing me.
note: it's saying hurriedness isn't a word but it most definitely is.

Luke 10:38-42

38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus [1] entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. [2] Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Abba, thank you for revealing to me Your abundant grace as I felt burdened tonight. Give me a Mary heart. I am so distracted with everything I feel I'm lacking to be pleasing in your eyes, when all you really desire is me at your feet.

straight from the Book

this is not a day that I can write.
1. because I am so tired that my words will not make sense
2. I have procrastinated yet again and should be doing my assignments
and
3. more than anything, I just need to immerse myself in scripture today to get the focus off myself and on something Eternal.

Psalm 23:3

he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake. 

Matt. 11:28-30

 ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Lamentations 5:21

²¹ Restore us to yourself, LORD, that we may return;
   renew our days as of old 

2 Corinthians 12:9

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Psalm 46:1-2

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.

Exodus 15:13

¹³ In your unfailing love you will lead
   the people you have redeemed.
In your strength you will guide them
   to your holy dwelling. 

1 Peter 1:8-9

⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

 
Today is Your day, my God. Use it for Your glory.

today, I feel.

I feel sad. Burdened. Desperate. Fragile.
Sad about the brokenness of the world and of myself.
Burdened by fears, stresses, and desires.
Desperate to be held in the arms of the One who promises to never leave me.
Fragile in ways that weaken my heart to believe lies of the enemy.

It's one of those days where I look around and feel crushed by my inadequacies and lost in my pursuit of Him. A day where I don't know how to pray because I'm paralyzed by the multitude of things to pray for. A day that, despite the beautiful sunshine, seems dark and lonely. A day where God seems so out of reach as I struggle to cling to Him.

And then...I cry. For every thought I can't express, for every ache in my heart, and for the longing of wanting Him near.
Slowly I feel His arms encircle me, carrying my weary body, and holding me tightly in His grip. The darkness is being overwhelmed by the Light and I am filled with the hope His promises bring.

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.”  Deut. 33:12

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."-Isaiah 42:16

 “He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart.”-Isaiah 40:11 

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless.  He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.  For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock except our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.  He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand in the heights.  He trains my hands for battle." Psalm 18:30-34 
  I feel hopeful. Secure. Comforted. Loved.

Father, send forth Your light and Your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell. (2 Sam. 23:4)

more-than-amazing grace

 It never ceases to amaze me how little I really know about the God I love. You would think that after 20 years of growing up in a Christian household, 17 years of Sunday school, and about 15 years of "having Jesus in my heart", my understanding of the Bible and my Father would be pretty solid. It's actually borderline embarrassing how little I truly grasp Him and His Word. Apparently, I missed the memo where God wants us to study Him. Search for Him. In my ignorance, it's like I was telling myself"Alright, I chose God and God=heaven. I'm good to go." Then as I matured in my "knowledge" of Him, my ignorance turned to laziness. My heart wanted to know and believe the sovereignty and mightiness of the Creator, but I felt stuck. I definitely had times where I desired spending time in His word and growing with Him....even now I look back and see how the Holy Spirit was working in my life and that gives me complete assurance that He is doing it now too.
Through a more devoted effort to learn about my Savior, I am for the first time seeing my need for His strength in my weakness and His holiness in my brokenness. And the more I truly examine how my life reflects Jesus, it is a constant battle to accept His grace and not be consumed by how little I deserve it. I know it seems like something your taught in Bible 101 but this is so new to me. God is making me more aware of my sinfulness so that I can fully grasp the concept of the gospel....that I am forgiven and therefore, am now free to repent. I will never reach a point where I am "fixed" and God has no more work to do in me. By following Christ, I am choosing daily to humble myself before Him and praise Him that His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 corin. 12:9).
Hallelujer. (i took up Ebonics as a second language.)


I've said it once and I'll say it again. Every single person on this earth needs to read this book. It has been the biggest blessing to me the past month and let me just say, if you think you know God....you don't. In fact, I'm going to venture to say you hardly know Him. Don't get mad, but it's true. I'll be the first to admit that I thought I knew all about the Big Guy so don't be offended. Just read it and I promise you're understanding of who God is will deepen in ways that give you goosebumps. You can't help but fall to your knees in thankfulness for His amazing grace.

marley? is that you??

For any of you who has seen the movie Marley and Me, you can get a glimpse at what my weekend back home has looked like so far. I love it. Nothing like coming home to a baby golden retriever who is 110% puppy. Since I pulled up to the house yesterday (ahhhh such a blissful feeling) and saw this little guy rolling around in the ground like he was a pig in a mud pit, it has been a constant mix of hilarity and distress as it takes two of the three members of the family and lots of "No, Maverick!", "Off, Maverick!" to get this little punk from thinking the unfortunate third member's socks, slippers, pants, hands, etc are his chew toys. And attempting all this with your eyes close? near impossible...but necessary. one look at that little guy's face and you become putty in his hands and suddenly, losing a shoe or foot doesn't seem so awful anymore.
note: puppy teeth aren't as cute and harmless as one would think.


but then, he sleeps...

and I'm reminded why this is on my christmas, birthday, general wish list:

sigh...totally called a wish list for a reason. for now, I'll just stick with my empty fish bowl since apparently I can kill 5 goldfish in the span of two months. The last one was a fighter though...
Baby steps. Someday my dream might come true, but I should probably be able to either 1. afford it or 2. be okay living off of beans and rice and selling my plasma every month.
This daydreaming completely reminds me of Ecclesiastes 3. You know, the "time for everything" chapter. A chapter full of the promise for desires when they're unreachable, the promise of weeping and sadness along with joy and laughter. Read it. I promise you will be encouraged. In fact, here's the first part to get you started-
 ¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:  ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

While I don't see "a time to buy a lab and a time to be puppy-less" listed....I think it brings enough for me to be challenged by already.

captivating

In addition to the other 7 books i'm reading, Captivating has also won a special place in my heart. It is the woman's Wild at Heart. thanks to the Big Guy, I always seem to pick up this book in times where I need it most. It explains my heart. My feminine heart. One frustrated by the romanticism it possesses. One full of desires, insecurities, pain, and beauty. It is a wonderful comfort to have this explained to you and reassure you that your heart is normal.


"Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of God’s own heart……the story of Eve… We clearly haven’t learned its lessons- for if we had, men would treat women much much differently, and women would view themselves in a far better light… Adam steps forth, the image of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something in missing… and that something is Eve…She is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. In one least flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill…And she, too, bears the image of God but in a way that only the feminine can speak. What can we learn from her? God wanted to reveal something about Himself, so he gave us Eve… Eve is created because things were not right without her. Something was not good. …Something is missing? What could it possibly be? Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow. Talk about significance." 


This blew me away. Never before have I so intensely felt the need for my existence. 
The book goes on to describe how God created us, as relational, life-giving beings and how, through the fall of man, this can lead to all sorts of bad news. It also marvelously tells that each and every one of us has beauty. Every single person. this is just a very insignificant summary of the book, so I would just encourage you to read it! you boys aren't off the hook, it's a wonderful insight to the fragile, magnificent heart of women. 
"We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil."
 
I am loving the revelations this book is bringing...God made us in His image, so our desire for beauty is essentially a reflection of His desire. He wants to be pursued, fought for, etc.
Just like me.

"The vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be The most important thing we ever learn about God--the He yearns for relationship with us. "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God" (John 17:3). The whole story of the Bible is a love story between God and His people. He yearns for us. He cares. He has a tender heart."

Yearn- 1. have an intense feeling of loss or lack and longing for something
            2. be filled with compassion or warm feeling
syn. long for, crave, desire, ache for, hunger for.

He YEARNS for me.
this is a line in a movie where all the girls go "awww". and it's being said to me. and you.
soak that in.


Sorry Hollywood, you have too big of shoes to fill.

4 hours til take off...

the semester officially starts in 4 hours. EEEK.

this girl has been up since 5.
yes, in the morning.
5am.
before the sun and 98% of the human population are up.
not only that, it was an intentional wake up....to work out.
yes, i'm feeling okay and yes, i'm crazy.
it was actually so refreshing...even with a restless nights sleep i was bright-eyed and bushytailed when my alarm went off at 5:15 (ok maybe a slight exaggeration). i met a couple friends and it is so much more motivating when you aren't there by yourself! i actually really enjoyed getting up that early. 1-the rec wasn't jammed packed. and 2- now i have a couple hours before class to just relax (or starting tomorrow, do school). it's a new year. new semester, new classes, new friends, and new memories. i am so excited to see what God has in store. i brace myself for some challenging, uncomfortable times ahead, but thank goodness for His strength and power.
2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
thank You, for early mornings, and new beginnings. Rid me of every fear and anxious thought about starting this crazy semester, and give me me a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline.