surprise revelation

Oh, how I wish it was Christmas break again. Where my abundance of free time allowed for many days of just me and Jesus. No classes, no papers, no deadlines. I long to have that time again. Time that allows me to search and study His word to the point where I refuse to stop until He speaks to me. And boy, did He speak. In massive ways. Ways that encouraged me to start this blog because I just couldn't keep it all in. He was revealing so much in such a little amount of time that I felt like I would burst if I couldn't share. As I predicted here, my fear has become a reality-I don't have the time to shut myself away from the world and just hang out with Jesus for hours. I get frustrated and disheartened by how little I feel like I am growing now compared to over the break.
I don't feel like I have anything worthy of sharing. There is definitely a list of things that I know God is trying to teach me during this season of my life but my ears and eyes are struggling to catch and hold onto what He is trying to reveal to me...much less act on it. I feel like my days are becoming more about me and less about Him.
And I'm scared. It shouldn't be this way...how do people have lives and actively and devoutly grow in their relationship with Christ?
Why do I have the all or nothing mindset when it comes to quiet times? I want to have this huge chunk of time available for it because I know how effective that was over the break. And now that school has started again and the busyness has picked back up, I am constantly burdened by the battle between my hunger for Him and daily responsibilities. I panic when I think about how much less I'm noticing things He is teaching me. I feel like a disappointment. Poor time manager. Lukewarm. It's a spiral downward when I let these thoughts run wild. I'm viewing my relationship with Christ as frantically trying to keep my head above water instead of letting His grace drown me.
He gave me a very special gift over winter break. One that showed me the importance of spending time with Him. Even though I so desire undistracted time with Him again, He has me right where He wants me. And even as I write that, I am reminded (yet again) that He is working in me.
I may not recognize it in the hurriedness of the day, but in the stillness of a night and reflection of the heart, He's moving in me...changing me.
note: it's saying hurriedness isn't a word but it most definitely is.

Luke 10:38-42

38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus [1] entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. [2] Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Abba, thank you for revealing to me Your abundant grace as I felt burdened tonight. Give me a Mary heart. I am so distracted with everything I feel I'm lacking to be pleasing in your eyes, when all you really desire is me at your feet.